Numb

 

Not a single soul

 

Blacksheep

 

02012021

 

30th December 2020

1 more day to leave this roller coster of Year 2020. How much me, and i bet, most of my peers looking forwards for this year since we were kid. Somehow Allah know best. I believe it. Somehow we are looking for a direction, but Allah give us in a different way.. May we found the hidden massages Allah sent us. May we prepared ourself for more challange to face ahead..

As for me.. Losing my abah is the most unprepared event that ever happened to me in my life and i don't even know how to cope with it till now.. people might wonder what keep me longing for this so long.. I am not clingy like that to begin with.. Somehow, when you see your soul drained,helpless and nothing ever be the same.. It hurts a lot. When you see yourself being useless and nothing you can do to make it right.. Its the worst. This is not how i picture myself to be.. But somehow i am glad knowing that Allah know best..l am glad to know that i am nothing without Allah's blessing.. May Allah be kind to me and my family to deal with this. And may Allah bless my abah and put him in highest place in Jannah,place where he always pray for day and night. May Allah unite us again in Jannah. Amin ya Allah.

COVID-19 and me

Me and my sister were looking forward for a winter trip to China somewhere around March. My sister did talk about it throughout 2019 even pack her bag way ahead.. Due to the Wuhan's Covid-19 pendemic, we cancelled the trip and planned for another trip to Kashmir in April. Somehow, we plan, but Allah plan is above all. Not only we were restricted from oversea visit, we also being pushed to stay home, jaga jarak, searching for mask all over perlis like grrtt,overpriced mask and sanitizer online, also as KKM staff, was pushed to overwork, over oncall, cannot take leave kind of life... muslim was not allowed to perform Jummat prayer in mosque, not allowed to travel for Aidilfitri where my bro,Irfan for the first time had to recite Aidilfitri Khutbah.. Many things to complaint but soo many to be gratful for.. So i did .

Thank you Allah

-allowed us to be with abah till his last breath.. And it happened before COVID and PKP thingy, so we all can fully take part to help him in his last journey to YOU. If it happened during PKP, can't even imaging how we can cope with that..

Thank you Allah...

-that abah was not around to experience this new normal. Allah know it well. My father might unable to cope with all this rules and regulation and will became restless if not allowed to go to mosque and forced to stay home.

Thank you Allah,

- pkp happened, just after abah's passed away. Because of that ,most of my siblings were stranded in Perlis, and the good side is, they are around my mother during her iddah day. 

Thank you Allah

- during this period, most of our patient getting better, can even see empty beds or cubicles in ward. Not even AGE cases admitted..

Thanks Allah

-my medex exam was postponed 3 times and finally , 9 Jan..here we go..😁😁

Me and 2020

As for me, myself and i. Finally i get the courage to finally decide and make paediatric as my future plan..l did hesitate a lot.. Think and think and think.. But somehow around the corner, i know that i kept on making excuses.. I am avoiding the possibilities  and discourage myself again and again.

I am not perfect, i am not that 'jeli', but i know, if i am willing to give it a try and put my heart over it, and with Allah's help, i hope that i will find my way. 

This is not a destination, its a journey.. And i don't even know where i am heading to, but at least i can say to myself that i tried..

Recently i did find myself  at LOST or should i say i lose myself a lot.. I am drained. I lose my coolness a lot this days....hmmmmm

Please guide me Ya Allah..

Till then.. I would like to share story during my oncall last night..

I went to redzone to see a case referred to me and we end up decide to admit the patient to PICU isolation room as SARI case. There is protocol to admit SARI cases(multidicipline approach involve-ambulance, guard, cleaner, recepting team ). So i handed paediatric review to ED's MO. Written in my plan and again verbally ask him to admit patient to PICU as SARI case.

Unfortunately, patient arrived in PICU not according to protocol as transfer team was nit aware that this is SARI cases. Other decipline keep on calling us to enquire and i asked my nurse to call ED to enquire about this and how come they missed it!!! Grrrr.

Drained by emotion and anger, i took over the phone. The other side was a respecting ED MO try to understand the situation .. I put the blame on him and the words he said to me make me feel so small down to earth.. He said" cakap je la ada salah faham." stop...so simple.

Its true.. When something happen, its not important to find who's at fault, more important is how to deal with it and go on.. Haha..again..loosing my coolness is not cool.

Till then.. See you when i see you.

Abah pergi, Aku kembali

Selamat Abah. Semoga tempat tinggal mu kini merupakan taman dari taman syurga.
Semoga kita bertemu lagi.

2020- New decade, its time to walk down memory lane.. Buckle up and move forward

2020 - The year that i am looking for since i was child.

I still remember back then ..wawasan 2020 song keep on hitting my ears. It such an inspiration song. I actually had some images in my mind about where i am going to be in 2020.. But.. Here i am.. 

So  i should at least show myself some respect on what my life had been through for the past 10 years..

2011-2012: still in unpad. Finishing my final years in Bandung and became adik coass. Such a wonderful momories and experience.. I think i enjoyed my Ko Ass years the most. We learn many things. Done many procedures.. Meet up with many inspirational preceptor and specialist from various department. My favoirite one is this one Dr from paediatric.. He such a soft spoken dr, gently taking care of small babies.. This is where my first love grows... Paediatric it is.. ❤❤.. But i do enjoy some other department too.. O&g, dermatology, family medicine.. How i wish i am more serious during neurology, psychiatry and radiology posting. My Magang posting is not very bad too.. Yup it has an ups and downs.. But i am glad for the things that don't kill me.. It did make me stronger to prepare myself ahead...my favourite posting is still paediatric.. Here i did learn about breastfeeding and the faith on BF. Making friends is also nice.. I do miss my YaHoo..(yah and Amy),  my pedcarian.. (yan, nad, zahidah,fiza), my dilla, my seniors ( kak aimi, kak tasha, kak farah, kak izzah, kak aida), my indonesian friends ( ghea, kiki, intan, bunci,mia, panji,cencen etc). Most of all.. I did miss Bandung with all my heart.. What i realize is that.. When you moving up with you only care on what excite you and the sweet memories that brings you happiness and accompany you moving ahead.. Without realising all the hardship you have gone through.. It built in you and shapen you.

Bye UNPAD, Bye Bandung, Bye Friends.. It might not be the same.. Sedih.. But i do missed all of you a lot  . I wish that i can put you all in my pocket. Love that all of you had moving on well with your life.. I hope i can have more times to keep all of you always in my prayer. And i am looking forward to see all of you again in future..

2013-2015: Its another chapter in my life.. Another different level.. This is where i am starting a life chapter that will stuck with me for the rest of my life.
HOUSEMNSHIP years.... Ta da
Wow.. Its like yesterday i am finishing my housemanship. I still can recall most of it to tell you how significant housemanship is to me. I would like to make summary of every posting.
And how i should tackle it better.

My batchmate 04032013: Nawwar, Helmi, Anas, Zulaikha, isteri helmi..

1. First posting: Surgical.
I still remember..  My first day of life.. Me and my friend when to our ward to introduce ourself and start work. My senior at the time was all 6 th poster.. They take a short glance at me and then said.. " ok.. Pi review ".. Haha.. Without realizing that is the first world problem to me..
-->i dont know how to review.. I mean know how to check the patient, how to get history.. But i dont know how should i write.. Whats plan should i do.. Its a different level from students life.. And...  And.. I am expecting that my kind senior will show me that..huhu.. Its a no no.. Working life is different.. Nobody care.. You should get up to it yourelf..

For this.. I would like to expand my gratitude to all this people.. Who made my life easier to go through my first posting.. Kak Almas( my unpad's senior *teary eyes.*. She's so.. Beyond words❤💕💘💖💗), mughni ( my 1 day senior), shuhada pooh (my junior at SMAPL), Mior, Wansu,Wafi, Azrul(my mentor😆😆),syakur,Lili, zila,kingston, irma liyana, Sham,karen, Ezzuddin, Azizah, alin,zarina,coco, last but not least.. My kindered friend...Nazihah). Also my kind MOs and specialist.. Dr Aizat, Dr Adnan, Dr Norin, Dr Bob, Dr Saw, Mr Rezqa,Mr Junaidi and Mr Lo.

What to learn in first posting
-clerk clerk clerk
-review review review, trace trace trace, spoken spoken
-attend to sn when they notice something
-always prescribed old medications and ask for drug history
-branula branula branula
-post op review.. Prescribed all meds ordered.. Pain mx
-careful when write blood form esp GXM
-discharge summary
-dressing, deoderm,dermasyn
-pain @RIF lol

On my second day.. My senior ask me to spoke to mo radiology to req ultrasound urgent.. That patience MO, really takes time to hear my history taking and all until 1 part when i said "hepar" he suddenly LOL like.. Real laughing out loud..haha.. And then he said sorry and ask me whether i am an indonesian graduate? I said yes.. And he accept my request.. I came back to ward feeling like a Hero minus that part..hahah.. Thanks to you radio MO for being nice.. I do hope you became a great radiologist by now.. It a shame that i forget your name..

But my HERO of all is obviously my father.. Everyday without failed sent and pick me up from work..hear to all my rant on the way back home with milo ais all the way.. 'tearssss' There's one day on my last day of tagging.. I am assisted 1 acute abdomen from simple appendix to open  on table..and finish at about 2 am. My battery was out at the time.. When i go out.. There my father sleeping in the car. Not even mad at me. *Tearss out loud*

Ok.. Bye first posting.. I am now know how to review, do discharge, take  and trace blood ix, spoken, do discharge, filled ot list.. Assist in operation..


2. Second posting : MEDICAL. 1 words to describe is is SUPERB..
Here.. I meet Dr Hafini..who is my childhood friends also my senior at school and also my friend's sister.. Why i am highlighting her.. Because she is superb.. Super Jonah, super details.. Hats up to her.. What i can say about medical is that.. I have to agree with evorybody that it is superbusy but super nice department.. We work like more more than our office hour but we do enjoyed it.. Some of my friends will come at night and look up for cases to review next morning for mental preparation.. Coming morning blood.. Like hills. To combine with lots of branuka to set at 4 am inthe morning.. I like the team so much.. The MOs are super nice.. Specialist was super informative.. CMEs was great..and lots of FBC stat..

Thanks to all my team mates.. Phong qui shi, mior mohd khairil, ooi, mughni,nazihah, atikah elliaziz, anis diana, manmeet,  loh, aimi, izati,salma,zulhelmy,koh, yusran,..i might missed some..but not the memories.

3.third posting: Ortho
Ortho.. Ehmm.. When you enter ortho.. You will missed medical so much.. Its unusual department.. Lots of male MOs.. Lots of dressing and pressure sore.. Haha.. What i learn from ortho is that.. Love can comes softly.. Like seriously.. I can describe myself as entering new planet when i entered ortho.. Everything is new... The procedures, the classification, the ankle block and all.. But after all i am in love with it.. But nothing much to say..

Would dedicate ortho to my fav peri team: zubed, atikah, kak almas, zulaikha, kak tikah,and faiz twin. Also fav Mo.. Dr thinesh, dr Rao, Dr Ku, Dr Logesh and Dr May.

4. My forth posting is O&G: from all department i think this is the most horror one.. Explaination letter for everything.. Long tangging days.. ..but i did enjoy O&G.
Bye..everybody is nice.. So. I love everyone.. This department.. I meet my KTT friends who happened to recognize me..haha.. Its awkward because i am always the one who recognize others first. I also meet my primary school friends who happened to remember me...if you know that feeling.

5.Paediatrics..
Paeds is my most fav posting that i swear i want to be a paediatric mo after finish HOs.. This is my favourite department that dear to my heart. My fav from this dept is Dr Aqilah. She's my role model on how i want to be when i became MOs.. She remember every details..and super nice and talented.

6. Emergency department..
When you change between department.. You will have that lingering feeling about your previous department.. But in ED.. You work work and work that the only things you have is the adrenaline to drive you.. Its a whole new level of working.. We work in shift.. I learn to use ultrasound machine, intubate patient, revert MI.. Lots of ECGs and blood and abgs and neb.. Exausted but need to work again.. But the env is awesome..the most positive things about ED team is we work as a team.. When finish shift everybody will find each other and say thank you. I would like to thanks Dr Razak and Dr knot the most. And also to my teams.. Tq..

I was floating in ED for 2 month before i was posting to Kuching, Sarawak


June 2015 to June 2017: Radiotherapy and Oncology, Sarawak General Hospital, Kuching, Sarawak.

July 2017-now: Paediatric department,Hospital Tuanku Fauziah..

Lots to tell but dont have time.. Will edit later..

In term of my family.. This decade is quite a challanging one. We lost our dear one.. Wa Mud, Pak ngah, Pak Njang, Toksu, Mak long,Pak lang.  My father's health also deteriorate.. Now need for hemodialysis. My mother with her up and down days.. We manage to go for umrah in 2019.. It such a meaningful moments.. I did visit unpad back in 2018.. Eating batagor at the faculty and all.. So nice. .we did grow bigger.. Now we already have 17 small addition
1. Abdullah Amin
2. Ibrahim
3.Maryam
4. Abdul Rahman
5. Hassan
6.Abdullah Asy Siddiq
7. Saad al ausi
8.Saalim
9.Aiesyah sakeenah
10.Abdullah yahya
11. Zahratul Jannah
12.Fatimah AzZahra
13.Adam mukhlis
14.Nuh rifqi
15.zinnirah sofea
16.luth fathi.

17.soleh ulwan

I am still me, my self and i.. Gain weight day by day...paediatric Mo,

I may not the best at the moment.. But still trying to fit in.. I would like to do more and explore more this year.. Discarding unimportant, streighten up my stregth.wish me luck😎😎

Btw.. Happy Birthday to you. Yes..you.