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30th December 2020

1 more day to leave this roller coster of Year 2020. How much me, and i bet, most of my peers looking forwards for this year since we were kid. Somehow Allah know best. I believe it. Somehow we are looking for a direction, but Allah give us in a different way.. May we found the hidden massages Allah sent us. May we prepared ourself for more challange to face ahead..

As for me.. Losing my abah is the most unprepared event that ever happened to me in my life and i don't even know how to cope with it till now.. people might wonder what keep me longing for this so long.. I am not clingy like that to begin with.. Somehow, when you see your soul drained,helpless and nothing ever be the same.. It hurts a lot. When you see yourself being useless and nothing you can do to make it right.. Its the worst. This is not how i picture myself to be.. But somehow i am glad knowing that Allah know best..l am glad to know that i am nothing without Allah's blessing.. May Allah be kind to me and my family to deal with this. And may Allah bless my abah and put him in highest place in Jannah,place where he always pray for day and night. May Allah unite us again in Jannah. Amin ya Allah.

COVID-19 and me
Me and my sister were looking forward for a winter trip to China somewhere around March. My sister did talk about it throughout 2019 even pack her bag way ahead.. Due to the Wuhan's Covid-19 pendemic, we cancelled the trip and planned for another trip to Kashmir in April. Somehow, we plan, but Allah plan is above all. Not only we were restricted from oversea visit, we also being pushed to stay home, jaga jarak, searching for mask all over perlis like grrtt,overpriced mask and sanitizer online, also as KKM staff, was pushed to overwork, over oncall, cannot take leave kind of life... muslim was not allowed to perform Jummat prayer in mosque, not allowed to travel for Aidilfitri where my bro,Irfan for the first time had to recite Aidilfitri Khutbah.. Many things to complaint but soo many to be gratful for.. So i did .

Thank you Allah
-allowed us to be with abah till his last breath.. And it happened before COVID and PKP thingy, so we all can fully take part to help him in his last journey to YOU. If it happened during PKP, can't even imaging how we can cope with that..

Thank you Allah...
-that abah was not around to experience this new normal. Allah know it well. My father might unable to cope with all this rules and regulation and will became restless if not allowed to go to mosque and forced to stay home.

Thank you Allah,
- pkp happened, just after abah's passed away. Because of that ,most of my siblings were stranded in Perlis, and the good side is, they are around my mother during her iddah day. 

Thank you Allah
- during this period, most of our patient getting better, can even see empty beds or cubicles in ward. Not even AGE cases admitted..

Thanks Allah
-my medex exam was postponed 3 times and finally , 9 Jan..here we go..😁😁

Me and 2020

As for me, myself and i. Finally i get the courage to finally decide and make paediatric as my future plan..l did hesitate a lot.. Think and think and think.. But somehow around the corner, i know that i kept on making excuses.. I am avoiding the possibilities  and discourage myself again and again.

I am not perfect, i am not that 'jeli', but i know, if i am willing to give it a try and put my heart over it, and with Allah's help, i hope that i will find my way. 

This is not a destination, its a journey.. And i don't even know where i am heading to, but at least i can say to myself that i tried..

Recently i did find myself  at LOST or should i say i lose myself a lot.. I am drained. I lose my coolness a lot this days....hmmmmm
Please guide me Ya Allah..

Till then.. I would like to share story during my oncall last night..

I went to redzone to see a case referred to me and we end up decide to admit the patient to PICU isolation room as SARI case. There is protocol to admit SARI cases(multidicipline approach involve-ambulance, guard, cleaner, recepting team ). So i handed paediatric review to ED's MO. Written in my plan and again verbally ask him to admit patient to PICU as SARI case.

Unfortunately, patient arrived in PICU not according to protocol as transfer team was nit aware that this is SARI cases. Other decipline keep on calling us to enquire and i asked my nurse to call ED to enquire about this and how come they missed it!!! Grrrr.

Drained by emotion and anger, i took over the phone. The other side was a respecting ED MO try to understand the situation .. I put the blame on him and the words he said to me make me feel so small down to earth.. He said" cakap je la ada salah faham." stop...so simple.

Its true.. When something happen, its not important to find who's at fault, more important is how to deal with it and go on.. Haha..again..loosing my coolness is not cool.

Till then.. See you when i see you.

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