THANK YOU

The Consultant Specialist in my hospital once apologize to me for saying a not-so-good words towards me.

"Maaf ya dik, saya tidak sepatutnya ngomong (bercakap) begitu. Saya lagi pusing tadi, banyak urusan. Bila saat-saat begitu perangai buruk akan keluar. Saya minta maaf ya"

I was like.. surprise at the moment he said that, and actually MORE surprised of what he said before. But i don't take it in my heart although if he actually does meant it, it doesn't matter. I already know it .haha.

Actually, there's a time in life, we'll be the 'bad' man. Although we want it or not, at least, once in a while we used to be lost from who we used to be. At the time, we are not our own self, and nobody seems to know us at the time. There are time when everything seem to be unbearable and we can't afford to do anything and nobody seem to understand what we're going through. And its the time where i really miss you the most:)

MISSING YOU

I am not a very good speaker, or actually, whenever i feel bad or grrrr, its very difficult for me to deliver what's in my heart. So, the best things i can do is being annoying. By being annoying means, i will tend to hurt others by using inappropriate words,and of course it might had hurt them. I may not mean to, but i used to do that to divert my disappointment. Or else, i will remain still, not talk nor laughing, because i am afraid i may hurt them again with my bombastic sarcastic words. So i stop. But my silence always being an issue. My mum, for an example, always complained of my silence. My siblings will tend to punish me every time i used to say the harsh words. My friends used to show their discomfort and disappointment towards my attitude.Everybody seems unable to accept the bad side of me. But not you, you always understand me, stick to me during my difficult times. Endure my anger, entertain me, and never give up to put the smile in my face.

I don't think that i treat you differ from others, but you always treat me well. Every time i'm in anger, i will say everything i had in my head and you will listen to them patiently. Every time i went silent, you will take what ever it is to make me talk again. I never ask you to understand me, but you seem to know me very well. You never judge me, always appreciate me despite all my weakness . The best things is you never leave me every time i am not myself. You know almost all my weakness but never ever talking back about me, and always make me feel refresh. Always supporting me and love me. I am flattered. You always be the one and the ONLY ONE who can handle me. I really appreciate that.

THANK YOU

Because of you, i can take a break. Sometimes, i am so tired of this world. So tired of myself. So tired to be the one i am supposed to be. Tired of everything..

THANK YOU

Because of you, i can rest my heart well, i can take a deep breath, closed my eyes and try to cover up everything

THANK YOU

For being there for me at my good and bad self. Accept me whatever i am. Hold me during my difficulties. Never abandon me. and always encourage me.

I will always remember your kindness, and will try to be like you, to others who ever need me in their bad time. So, for you, consultant specialist, i forgive you.haha.

p/s:

my message: Hi you, i think i'm very annoying today.Thanks k for always be there and endure the annoying me back then. Haha, really miss you.

her message:: no la, you're the coolest and the most awesome person i ever know.

;)

Numb

HAHA: try test ni tadi dekat facebook. Walaupun tau tak betul, paling-paling pun, "its really comforting me:) ".

I do have lots of great ideas, but to deliver them are my biggest difficulty for me to overcome.

Should i take it as a challange? Yes, I do.

Today i really had a good talk with few lovely peoples. Despite of my sleepiness of the so called "post oncall syndrome", i do remember each word they said to me. Meanwhile, as i am awake, and with some reflection, those words really haunting me.

As far i could remember, i am a bit numb when something big happen suddenly. It just that, when something happen beyond my expectation, i really don't know how to react, how i feel,what the right thing to say,what should i do. Especially when it invove myself or peoples close to my heart. DUMB or NUMB? whatever. I remember the early days when i was studying in the boarding school during my secondary school years, my batchmate keep on asking me how do i feel to be apart from family. I said, i don't feel anything. I think, i am just ok. Haha. It took me about three month to realize my so-called "homesick", where at that time most of my friends are fully recovered. I also remember the time when my sister want to further her study abroad, and i was so happy for her and really excited to sent her off at the airport. But, when the time came to say bye-bye, i broke into tears, and to make it worst, i cried all the way home that night and few days after that until i realize what actually happen..haha..weird is it? But that kind of things keep happening. Recently, one of my good friend got sick, and i was so worried. I did not call nor sms not even buy anything for her or even do anything i used to do for others. All i do is just put on the "brave face " where its actually very hard inside.

Something big going to happen in my family and i am very excited about it. From the survey my mum told me about the reaction of my siblings, i can see there's a mixed-feelings and emotions. Everybody have their own good way of describing it ..haha. My mum describe my reaction as 'profesional'. HAHA. I know, i am always professional mum :). I used to have the kind of instinct and i know what the right thing to say and that's actually what i feel deep in my heart. Maybe, due to my time lag of realizing something, i then finally realize what i should feel in the first place. And i hope its not too late to say this..

Especially for you (you know who you are;) )

" I always love you and i always pray the best for you. But still i am sad thinking of losing you. You know, everything will never be the same after this. Future will be BETTER, Insha Allah, but still i will be really missing the past . There's a lot of things we used to do and share together and there's also so many chance that i am just mess it up. But still i can't go to the past and try to cover it up(although i really want to). Maybe, the right thing to do right now is just to move on. Wishing for a brighter future, Biiznillah. I do pray the best for your future undertakings. May Allah bless you always:)"

me

Kita selalu ingin berhenti di satu tahap yang sepatutnya kita cuba sikit lagi

Minggu pertama 2012 = minggu ke 2 di obgyn ;agak hectic.huhuhu.

Minggu kedua obgyn (OnG)--> stase di hospital daerah (Majalaya) tempat yg kondusif untuk belajar, makan 3 kali per hari cukup gizi, dokter residen yang sangat baik dan rajin berkongsi, jaga yang menyenangkan, wifi laju,stase poliklinik, ruang bersalin, ruang nifas, dan kamar operasi yang menyenagkan, Konsulen yang memberi semua peluang,--> teman jatuh sakit, keadaan agak mencemaskan, pulang, dirawat di hospital=susp denggi, yang lain serangan gatal-gatal,--> partus, plasenta, episiotomi, currate, status ruangan, status kuning, follow up, bimbingan--> balik sabtu jam 4-->sampai jam 5.30, jam 6: kena kumpul nota buat kompre--> internet down-->baju 1 minggu belumm basuh-->ampaian penuh-->nak download notes kawan-kawan: internet down, handphone missplace-->tertido-->>bangun-->JAGA ahad pagi (7am-7pm)-->lawat kawan sakit-->balik jaga--> lawat kawan (keluarga datang)--> balik rumah dah malam--> download nota-->edit--> tidur 3pagi-->belum siap-->subuh, siap-->finger print--> morning report-->meet the expert-->poli (ga jelas)-->jam 12:jumpa preceptor-->30 menit;break makan solat--> jam 1 Bed site teaching--> discussion (*nk lempang) -->lawat teman(mengantuk sangat)--> fingerprint--> balik rumah,solat, online--> telefon mak =LEGA...

Hehehe. Orang lain mesti lebih super sibuk . Tapi bila satu masa semua benda perlu diselesaikan dalam senggang masa tersebut , pastu pelbagai masalah teknikal saat diperlukan menyebalkan, memang penat tu terasa sangat. Tapi macammana pun kena sabar jela kan. Sabar, kalau sabar lebih sikit, boleh selesai. Tidak ada yang tidak bisa:).

Bukan mengeluh. Tapi dah penat, kena la cakap penat. Tapi tidak akan berhenti disini. JANJI:).

p/s: buat teman yang lagi sakit. semangat!!! berehat banyak-banyak. bukan senang nak dapat peluang merehatkan badan dan minda. semoga cepat sembuh:)